triggers

I feel lucky that my life is full of distractions.  Spending 40 hours per week on my job and 10-15 hours per week on my young women means that there are few hours left to cry.  My time is consumed with good things, things that bring me happiness.  A community service project.  Bringing dinner to a friend.  Bike rides with beautiful sunsets.  Human battleship and italian cream sodas with my young women.  Missionary discussions in our home.  Trying new recipes.  Cuddling on the couch and watching a show with my best friend.  In these moments I'm truly happy, and I forget what happened last month; what is supposed to be happening now. 

But even with the busy, the good, the moving-on-with-life - I cannot escape the triggers.  Sometimes its something specific that reminds me.  Its verbalizing our story to those who ask without knowing.  Its hearing another pregnancy announcement and wondering how it is possible to have so, so many friends pregnant or having babies.  I must clarify that its not their fault and I honestly do not blame them or take offense.  Its simply the situation I find myself in.  But knowing that doesn't make it easier - to go to get-togethers with them and read their blogs and have my newsfeed filled to the brim with their ultrasounds, growing bellies and smiling infants.  All reminders of what I want so, so badly.

Its baby blessings at church and holding the baby up for all to admire.  Parents gushing about the joy their baby has brought to their life.  Its hearing over and over again that the gospel is all about families, and that having children is the greatest work we will do in this life. 

Its slipping and teasing my mom that she'll only get us baby gear for Christmas.  Its thinking of moving to Seattle in March, or Joe's graduation in June and realizing that we will no longer have a baby in tow.  Its wondering if we're back to square one- if it will be yet another 18 month journey through infertility before I feel the joy of a positive pregnancy test.  My future outlook has been altered, and that's not easy to switch.    

Other times it seems the trigger doesn't have a face.  It comes out of nowhere and suddenly I'm just sobbing.  Just because life is hard.  And really not fair sometimes.

So when people ask me how I'm doing- whether its innocently ignorant or genuinely seeking to know- I don't quite know how to answer them.  Joe and I like to say that we have more good days than bad.  And its true.  In the midst of the distractions of life, I'm doing well.  I feel joy.  I have perspective.  I trust my Heavenly Father in all His wisdom.  I'm learning and growing more than I ever knew I could.  But then the triggers come, and I fall to pieces.

The trick, I'm learning, is to use the good days- the joy, the perspective, the trust- to overcome the bad days.  I'm not there yet, but its a work in progress.

love, the hills