riding the wave

I realize that every post I write these days is centered on this battle I'm fighting.  My thoughts, my grieving, my pain in text form.  I know it's depressing, and it's self-centered.  I know this.  I do feel somewhat guilty that my once happy, perky blog has transformed to this.

But then I don't.  Because honestly if I didn't have this impetus for constantly organizing my thoughts and defining my feelings, they'd find a way to tumble out in less constructive ways.  I've learned to acknowledge and even embrace my grief.  I'm on a journey and I'm riding out each wave, being careful not to force happy when I'm sad, or even sad when I'm happy.  It doesn't work like that.

So I apologize if you've thought me self-absorbed or rolled your eyes at yet another of my sad blog posts.  And I invite you to stop reading if my heavy posts are too much for you.  They're not for you anyway.  They're for me.

However.  I want to be equally as absorbed in the good days as I am in the bad.  No caveats, no buts.  Just pure happy.  So I'm resolving to start writing purely happy posts.  Short, but sweet and full of what is bringing me joy.  I won't promise a certain day or schedule.  These things can't be forced.  But I will promise that when the happy does come, I will let go of the sadness enough to truly embrace it.

love, the hills