loss

Loss: the experience of being deprived of or without something one has had.  Also, "at a loss": in a state of bewilderment or uncertainty, perplexed.  

This week Joe and I lost another baby.  I was about 7 weeks along and started spotting just 3 days before my first prenatal appointment.

I'll be brutally honest with you.  With that baby, I feel as though I have lost so much more.  My future plans, my sense of purpose, my growing thrill for the life within me.  My second chance.

We discovered my pregnancy just a few days after moving to Bellevue.  In that moment, I felt as if all my fears about leaving my life in Spokane were solved.  All my trepidation about what I would do and how I would find my purpose...I found my answer in that pregnancy test and suddenly everything  fell into place perfectly.  It all made sense.  I was finally going to be a mother.

But now we've lost that baby and we've lost all the plans that came with it.

In so many ways, I'm at a loss.

Now, I know that everything will work out.  I have hope that we will have a family someday, that my husband will find a great job, that we'll know where we should live, that we'll be happy and grateful for the experiences that have shaped us.  I know that.

Right now, though?  Right now I'm sad.  We're both sad.  And it's really hard.

It's hard to watch the love of your life mourn.  It's hard to feel the loss of your sweet baby in such a physically painful and exhausting way.  It's hard to know that those first few drops of blood represent the loss of everything you have hoped for, prayed for, cried for.  It's hard to be in a new place with no familiar faces to lift you up. It's hard to feel like you have worked and done everything you can for something good and worthy and still not have it.  It's hard to celebrate mothers when you can't be included in that group.  It's hard to understand why these things must happen.

It's just hard.  That's all there is to it.

love, the hills