on the big picture

I've thought about this post for a long time.  I debated whether it was too personal to share, whether I even wanted the world to know, and whether my motivation for doing so was right.  But I feel impressed that I should write this.  I've come to the conclusion that this blog has been and should continue to be a outlet for my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  And lately, this has consumed all three.  Please know that I am not sharing in an effort to complain or gain pity.  I am sharing so that I might have an avenue to sort through my own thoughts, that I might protect myself and others from their ignorant thoughts/comments, and so that my words can be of some help to anyone within reach who is struggling.  If those goals are accomplished, then sharing this bit of my life with you will have been worth it.

I have the blessing and privilege of working with the young women of our church, particularly those that are 16-18 years old.  Yesterday, mother's day, those girls that I have come to love so much huddled around me as I endeavored to teach them about making decisions and plans for their lives.  And as I often do, I thought back to just a few years ago when I was in their shoes.  I remembered the plans that I had made for my life, the picture that I had in my younger head.  I wanted a college education, a handsome husband, but most of all I wanted to be a mother.  Then, with the boldness only teenagers seem to possess, one girl asked the questions I worry everyone who knows me thinks frequently... "How long have you been married?" (3 1/2 years), following closely by "Why don't you have kids Sister Hill?"

The truth is, I don't know.  I wish I knew.  God's picture is not always the same as mine, and I wish I could just see His.  I wish He could unfold his plan for me and assuage my fears of never having children of my own.  But I'm learning that that big picture only comes line upon line, precept upon precept.  The rest requires pressing forward with what faith I have, and striving for more to get me through.

What I do know is that we have been dealing with infertility for a year and a half.  I've always had very irregular menstrual cycles, which until now I've considered a blessing (I'll take 5 periods a year thank you very much!)  But combine wacky hormone levels with never knowing if I'll have a 30 day cycle or a 120 day cycle, and its made for a very difficult, not to mention frustrating, path to pregnancy.  Watching day 28 (and every day after that) come and go without a positive pregnancy test has been very hard.

But perhaps equally difficult has been the roller coaster of medication.  Being relatively new to infertility, we're working through a few options for medications to regulate my cycles and hormones.  I'm feeling like an old lady with all my pills; in fact I'm on the verge of buying a week-long pill container just to help me remember to take them.  The medication I'm on now is finally leveling out some, but I sometimes feel very sick while on it.  I don't know what its like to have morning sickness, but I've thought many times that I would much rather be sick and pregnant than just sick.

At first I wasn't sure that I even wanted to share this with my family, let alone others.  After all, it is quite personal and our struggle alone.  Sometimes I'd much rather put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong.  But as I've opened up to my immediate family and a few close friends, I've replaced my own assumption of their critical judgment with an overwhelming feeling of love and support.  Though I may not always want to talk about it, that transition has been and will be a driving force for sharing something so personal.

Of course there may be many more posts to hash out my ever-changing thoughts and feelings about this time of our life.  Call it cheap therapy.  But I'll close today's post with this testimony from Elder Robert D. Hales, which goes for all of us, no matter our current struggle:

"I express gratitude that “in my Gethsemane” and yours, we are not alone. He that watches over us “shall neither slumber nor sleep.” His angels here and beyond the veil are “round about [us], to bear [us] up.” I bear my special witness that our Savior’s promise is true, for He says, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”May we wait upon Him by pressing forward in faith, that we may say in our prayers, “Thy will be done,”and return to Him with honor."

love, the hills